Dealing with Difficult People - Part 1

From time-to-time everyone comes across someone they find it difficult to work with. However, your ability to work with your team and foster a relationship of openness and trust will increase your overall effectiveness and get you the results you want.

It's also important to remember that the fact that someone disagrees with you does not necessarily make them difficult, so don't react defensively or aggressively to objections. Try to view them as difficulties to be overcome rather than as attempts to undermine you.

Of course some people just seem to thrive on being difficult, which can be extremely wearing and can make it hard for you to try and develop your business in the way that you would like.

Before we start looking for solutions to dealing with difficult team members, it is important to understand why people can be difficult.

People are a complex mix of characteristics. However, there are certain aspects of their characteristics you may be able to spot in the 10 different behaviour types that we will be covering in parts 1 and 2 of the Dealing with Difficult People newsletters . These were developed by a gentleman by the name of ‘Robert M. Bramson' in his book ‘Dealing with Difficult People'.

There are many positives to each different behaviour type and it is important to recognise this and consider the outcome that we would like from a situation, rather than focusing purely on the individual's unwanted behaviour.

Getting along with difficult people is never easy and hardly ever fun. However, getting along with people, including the difficult ones, is crucial if you want to succeed in business.

It can seem easier to walk away from issues and pretend that they have not happened, but this will only allow them to escalate and before you now it you are no longer in control of the situation. If you can turn around a difficult person and get them on side though, you usually have them on side forever.

Challenge disruptive behaviour and get results.

In part one of this newsletter we will cover the first five behaviour types. We will look at how you can identify each behaviour type along with the best way to deal with it.

Do you recognize yourself in any of these?

 

SHERMAN TANK

Characteristics:

Abusive, abrupt, intimidating, overwhelming. Often arbitrary and arrogant in tone. Accusative, contemptuous unrelenting, critical of others, overbearing aggressive, hostile.

Effect on Others:

Confusion, mental or physical flight, or sense of helpless frustration that leads to tears or tantrum-like rage.

Understanding Sherman Tanks:

Have strong need to prove that their views are always right. Tasks usually seem clear and straight forward and simple to them. Become impatient if others don't see what to them is plainly there. When resistance to their own plans is perceived, impatience quickly turns to irritation, righteous indignation or outright anger. Always know what others "should" be doing.

How to Cope with Sherman Tanks:

1. You must stand up to them, look directly at them. Expect to feel distraught, angry or awkward, but say something of a standing up nature anyway.

2. Give them a little time to run down.

3. Don't worry about being polite, get in any way you can.

4. Get their attention, perhaps by calling them by name or sitting or standing deliberately.

5. If possible, get them to sit down.

6. Maintain eye contact.

7. State your own opinions and perceptions forcefully.

8. Don't argue with what the other person says or try to cut him or her down.

9. Be ready to be friendly

 

SNIPERS

Characteristics:

Hidden rather than frontal attack, attack others indirectly, frequently makes negative comments about others and covers it with a laugh or smile.

Their weapons are innuendoes, sotto voce remarks, not too subtle digs, non-playful teasing, well-placed verbal missiles (high powered enough to hurt), but the attack is accompanied by nonverbal signals that say "Pretend that what I'm doing is nice or neutral, or that you don't even hear me.

Coping with Snipers:

1. Smoke them out, surface the attack.

2. Provide a peaceful alternative to open warfare.

3. Seek group confirmation or denial of the sniper's criticism.

4. Deal with the underlying problem.

5. Prevent sniping by setting up regular problem-solving meetings.

6. If you are a third-party to the sniping, stay out of the middle but insist that it stop in

front of you.

 

EXPLODERS

Characteristics:

Sudden tantrums filled with rage that seems barely under control. Resistance or provocation, intended or not, can cause an escalation of fury to the point where objects are thrown, blows struck, or unforgivable and unforgettable things are said

Recognizing and Understanding the Exploder:

An adult tantrum is a sudden almost automatic response to a situation in which a person feels both thwarted and psychologically threatened. Exploder feels first angry and then blaming or suspicious. Victims reaction is likely to be surprised and bewildered at the abrupt and horrifying change in the situation. Such eruptive behavior can be cause for others to become silent, passive or spark tantrums of their own.

Coping with Exploders:

1. Help him regain self-control. How? If their eruptive behavior does not run down, or at least pause, then douse the fire yourself by yelling "stop, stop" "wait a minute, something's gone wrong," etc. The repetition helps, as does a sharp inflection or enough volume to break through. Intend to get his attention and break the spell he is under.

2. Show your serious intentions -- after getting their attention, make it clear that you take him seriously.

3. Interrupt the interaction -- announce a break in the meeting, even if you're not in charge, or just leave, making sure to say "I'll be back." Your purposes are: a) to buy time to compose yourself; b) to break the immediate pattern of interaction between yourself and the exploder; and c) to help him cool down to regain self-control.

4. If possible, you might want to seek some privacy in a different setting with the exploder.

 

THE COMPLAINER

Characteristics:

A whiner who self-righteously blames and accuse others. They are irritating, irksome, and very exhausting. Complainers manage to find fault and gripe about everything. They point out real problems but they do it in a manner that elicits placating or defensive responses from others. They are powerless and prescriptive and perfect. They feel powerless in the management of their own lives, always know how things "ought or should be" but avoid direct action and wish that "someone" would correct all the problems. Complainers persist in blaming and accusing others because they gain self validation as "good" people twice: first, by placing the responsibility for the ills they observe on others and secondly, having done that, in comparison of their relative "goodness" to others demonstrated "badness." While complainers do get attention, they seldom get action from others. Impatience, patronizing dismissal, over-solicitous personal attention, or simply avoidance are their lot.

Coping with Complainers:

1. Listen attentively to their complaints even if you feel guilty or impatient. Why?

Four reasons:

a. Allows them to let off steam and move onto more constructive problem-solving.

b. Being heard can lessen their sense of being "dismissed" and powerless.

c. Provide you with information that you'll need in order to carry out the next coping step.

d. You may even discover that the person who is complaining to you is merely looking for a sympathetic ear and not really a complainer at all.

2. Acknowledge -- active listening plus reflection of content and content. Reflection lets you know that you have listened and understood what they've said, that you know how they feel and that you take them seriously.

3. Be prepared to interrupt -- to acknowledge, you may have to interrupt their seemingly endless verbiage. Once you've discovered the gist of their complaints, stop them politely, but firmly by taking control of the structure of the conversation -- for example, who speaks when, about what -- you lessen the "value" of complaints to the complainer.

4. Use limiting responses -- complainers love words like "never" and "always." (i.e., you "never" call me or you're work is "always" late.) You help them to gain more of a problem-solving perspective, your goal, when your acknowledgments are made in a way that pins them down to specific times, places, or facts.

5. Don't agree -- your admission to complainers that you are agreeing or at fault is not only likely to be taken as a sign of submission, but you are also confirming their belief that you have the power and responsibility to solve the problems that they are pointing out. You validate for them the fact that indeed it's all your fault and they are blameless.

6. Avoid the accusation - defense - re-accusation sequence.

7. State facts without comment and apology.

8. Switch to problem-solving. Problem-solving focuses on what's to be done to make things better in the future. Complaining reminiscences about the history of a problem and assign blame. Therefore, post specific problem-solving questions, i.e, "who, what, when, where" questions but not "why" questions.

 

CLAMS

Characteristics:

Clams are silent, unresponsive people who won't or can't talk when you need conversation from them. It is often difficult to understand what the silence or lack of response means. Therefore, your major coping task is to get them to talk.

Coping with Clams:

1. Ask open-ended questions.

2. Use the friendly, silent stare (FSS) to accomplish three things:

a. It provides a quiet time for collecting thoughts.

b. Gives you something to do and think about while waiting for the silent clam to

open up.

c. It sets the stage for using the leverage that your silence provides.

3. If clam remains silent, then comment that "I expected you to say something, John, and you're not. What does it mean?" Then return to the FSS (or quizzical look and questioning gesture).

4. Do not fill the silence with your conversation.

5. Plan enough time to allow you to wait with composure.

6. Get agreement on or state clearly how much time is set aside for your "conservation."

7. If no response, comment again on what's happening. End your comment with an open-ended question.

8. Again wait as long as you can, then comment on what's happening and wait again. Try to keep control of the interactions by dealing matter-of-factly with "can I do now?" and "I don't know" responses.

When Clam Opens Up:

1. Be attentive and avoid your impulse to talk too much too soon. Flow with tangential comments. They may lead to something relevant and important. If they don't, state your own need to return to the original topic.

If Clam Stays Closed:

1. Avoid a polite ending.

2. Terminate the meeting yourself and set up another appointment.

3. At length, inform the clam what you must and will do, since a discussion has not occurred.